Little grasshopper, are you feeling lost? Those mundane anxieties are tearing you apart? Salvation is at your fingertips. Thanks to IsThatLegal, we bring you the solution to our distraught modern lives: Jewish Buddhism. Here are its 14 golden principles:

1. Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded
glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such round
shoulders.

2. There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you
never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

3. Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

4. To practice Zen and the art of Jewish motorcycle maintenance, do the
following: get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?

5. Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that
not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

6. If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

7. Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and
attaining enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

8. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao
does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao
is not Jewish.

9. Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second,
satisfaction. With the third, Danish.

10. The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all
sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who
happens to be Jewish?

11. Be patient and achieve all things. Be impatient and achieve all things
faster.

12. To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand
flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten
thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.

13. Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

14. Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do
you have? Bupkes!

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