Another fine example of the elegance of Scrappleface wit – by Scott Ott

Gay Bishop Faulted for Calling Alcoholism ‘Disease’

(2006-02-15) — V. Gene Robinson, the first openly-homosexual Episcopalian bishop, came under attack today for a recent statement in which he called his alcoholism a “disease” for which he’s getting treatment.

“Bishop Robinson has reinforced the stereotype that being a drunk is some kind of medical condition that needs a cure,” according to an unnamed spokesman for the American Drunkards Association (ADA), a non-profit group that helps people recover from Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. “Alcoholism isn’t a disease, it’s who we are. We want to be accepted for who we are. The bishop has done irreparable harm to drunken clerics everywhere, not to mention the damage done to millions of lay-drunkards.”

The American Drunkards Association also lobbies lawmakers to gain equal rights for alcoholics — “a large and growing group of Americans who face discrimination daily, especially from the department of motor vehicles.”

“Imagine not being allowed to drive just because of who you are,” said the unnamed ADA spokesman. “Police across the country engage in discriminatory profiling against drunkards, and there’s no public outcry about this civil rights abuse.”

Bishop Robinson, who left his wife to live with his homosexual partner, said he’s “humbled by the opportunity to be the denomination’s first openly-gay, openly-drunk and openly-irresponsible bishop.”

“My life sends a refreshing message to our parishioners of redemption without repentance,” he said. “It’s a real improvement on old-fashioned Biblical principles.”

and this news release just followed:

To celebrate his next alcohol binge, Bishop Robinson hopes to personally lead the creation of DrunkGay-SoberStraight Alliance networks across the nation. He is calling for sober, straight students to let go of their prejudices (and standards and values) and build bridges to embrace the Drunk-Homo-Bi-Transgendered lifestyle.

The creation of “safe” DrunkGay bathrooms on all universities and highschools is their number one priority. “We simply do not have a safe space to get totally stashed and have our Brokeback orgies on campus and it is (hic!) outrageous!” exclaimed Robert Parlin, Jr., University of San Francisco DGSS Alliance president, before he vommited and passed out. Other members could be reached for comment but were too incoherent to be able to put together a simple answer to follow-up questions.