I found the comments below rather depressing and a sad, disturbing reminder of how much goes wrong in marriages for so many people. The comments were left regarding Dina Matos McGreevey’s PR tour of her book on ABC, including her claim to total naiveté regarding her contestedly bisexual (or homosexual) husband. As I have posted before, I think her claim is a joke. (See the final commenter who presents interesting statements concerning the issue).
At any given time in the United States, there are an estimated 2 million marriages where one spouse is straight, the other gay, according to an organization called the Straight Spouse Network.
I selected comments mostly from women who alleged they were seriously deceived. The perpetration of deception claim is usually against their homosexual husbands, but sometimes they admit there were signs along the way and they themselves were in the denial. I think these are the more lucid of the women.
I don’t think this question of perceiving adultery or homosexuality is a simplistic issue. However, if there is a case where the “deceived” woman was not in denial, and still didn’t pick it up after years and years, it’s one in a billion. Individual experiences of denial can be quite complex, exactly because denial itself is a very complex mechanism, and it can involve semi-conscious or unconscious dynamics, of which someone can have little or no control (when they are not conscious!). So to really understand an experience of denial, we need to investigate the reasons and the context that caused the denial in the first place — and people are not always to blame for those, or they are in a context where there are profoundly unhealthy things done to them, which they cannot find a good way to escape or deal with. (See the explanation for gaslighting above — mentioned in one of the posts as well). Denial, in this case, is a result of a psychological coping strategy that is the only strategy the person affords in determined situations, exactly because they are lacking appropriate and more psychologically healthy choices.
Nevertheless, I believe it is simply not possible for a woman with at least an average education and exposure to sexuality issues, who is not invested in being in denial, to not feel something is amiss with her husband. I’m not talking about knowing everything there is to know about someone if you go on a couple of dates, this could be very well impossible in most cases, but after several years of living together and interacting as husband and wife?
Even just regarding faithfulness, I think you can feel if you can trust your husband or not, after you get to know them at a more profound level. The more you know someone, the harder it is for them to be able to lie successfully to you. You pick it up. If you don’t have your head in the sand, you start to feel something is wrong when somebody is lying to you, if you know them really well. But that’s because you yourself are not willing to turn off your red flag “radar.” And this doesn’t apply just to sexuality, it applies to being lied to about any profound issue.
In any event, it just amazes me that women could remain in a garbage of a marriage for so long; so many women seem so submissive and to settle for such crap without hardly any revolt.
And more than one woman mention something that I had never heard of before: homosexual husbands who are abusive to their heterosexual wives! Is that ugly, or what?
It will be 8 years next month since my divorce to a gay man. We were married for 30 years and I’m still trying to go on with my life. I understand Dina’s comment that her ex choreographed their lives. I was a corporate wife of a Fortune 500 company and I did whatever he told me to do. If I didn’t, God help me…because he was also an expert with his fist. HItting me where it wouldn’t show. Of course, calling the police was out of the question….he had so much power (and the money) and I had shame. I left him with $7.00 in my purse so a good attorney was out of the question. Dina, you hang in there and fight for what is right. Thank you for telling your story….you’re not alone. beenthere56
Posted by:beentheretoo May-1
There is also a comment from a man deceived by his bisexual wife. Sad.
I support gay marriage, but I don’t think that it being legal will stop some of these men. It certainly would not have stopped my ex. It’s not so much that they are hiding from society, but they are proving something to themselves, and using women to do it. Also, they want children, and don’t mind using women for that – and then working very hard to remove the woman from the child. It is a mindset that is not shared by many gay men, but this “mccreepy” type really wants to destroy the mother of his child. They always use our motherhood as a weapon, and it messes the family incredibly. Has nothing to do with acceptance of gays. Again, I am so glad she is talking about how this type of gay man abuses women. What will he teach his female children about fatherhood? That it is ok to censor, threaten, attack, and defame their mothers for not going along with him? A friend of mine who is the daughter of a gay man is still afraid to contradict her father, and she is now in her 50s. The memory of how he systematically destroyed her mother financially, physically, and emotionally is still a powerful one. That whole experience really interfered with my friend growing up powerful and unafraid. But she can’t talk about it because she’s afraid people will think she hates gays. So she just does what McGreevey wants his wife to do – keeps quiet and suffers alone.
Posted by: mcmama2245 May-3
I need to respond to your statement about HIV testing. My husband, as well as, Dina’s husband were having sex with men in a variety of settings. They were also having sex with us. It is not ridiculous to realize the implications on our lives-our health. Right now, HIV is increasing in numbers to women-women who have been married to gay men. Check your statisics and get back to me. We are not stupid. We were exposed to God knows what-by our cheating husbands. HIV is only one of the gifts that we could have that keeps on giving. Annfondly
Posted by: Annfondly May-3
When you dearly love your spouse you don’t look for warning signs like if they are gay! This woman loved that man, she gave him a child, your kept his home, she stood by his side, she attended his public events…when did she have time to discover he was gay? He kept it from the public until his gay lover tried to give him up…so if it can be kept from the public that easily then why can’t it be kept from her. He is sick to be beding a man while his wife is in the hosptial having given birth to his child. Now that is sick!
Posted by: donnachelsea May-3
I was married for 30 years to a man that I believe is gay. I think that the woman (as myself) lives in a state of denial because she just does not want to believe it. As long as he denys it to her, she is kept in a state of confusion and does not trust her insticts. I asked my husband nurmerous times if he was gay and he denied it. Yet it was a question that came up throughout our marriage. I could not believe my instincts or trust my judgements because I was getting mixed messages from him. For those that can not understand how the wife can not know, all I have to say is that, that person never lived though it to understand. A gay man should never marry a straight woman, it is a horrible thing to do to a person.
Posted by: elevy13 May-3
My father left my mother after over 20 years of marriage and 4 children because he was gay. She said that looking back, she can see signs of it all along, but did she really know? I don’t think so. Most people think that if you have been together that long and have children that you both love, then your sexuality is not an issue. He divided our family completely and it has been horrible on all of us. We all love our dad but we hate him for what he did. Don’t blame the governor’s wife, blame him for going into a marriage knowing that he could never be fully committed.
Posted by: rts0419 May-7
I really felt for Mrs. McGreevy. I know how horrible it is to hear from your husband that he is gay. It is the worst feeling in the world. All of a sudden your whole world seems like it will crash down around you. You need to think about your kids and what is best for them. The worst thing to do is to have a knee-jerk reaction. Don’t be so quick to judge her just because she did not move out immediately. I’m sure Mrs. McGreevy really felt like she needed time to gather her thoughts on what she needs to do. Her husband was Governor, they were both in the public eye. She needed to think things through before making a decision. Decision? What decision? He is gay, what decision do you need to make besides divorce him now? Believe it or not, not all gay men are like the ex-Governor. As far as I could see, he was in this marriage for political gain, however, she really loved him. It was hard for her to imagine her life changing so dramatically. But some gay men truly love their wives when they marry them and wish to remain married to them. Not to hide their sexuality, but because they truly love the women they married. That is the case with me and my Husband. He is a wonderful man, a wonderful father and a good person. He also loves me more than anything. There is a place on the internet called Alternatepaths. It is a Yahoo group. They have been so wonderful in giving me the support I need to feel like my marriage can work with a gay man. If anyone is going though the same thing as Mrs McGreevy, I really sympathize with you. I have been dealing with this for 3 months now. It is not easy, but you get through it with baby steps and lots of support. So, visit Alternatepaths and get the support you need. Divorce is not the only option. Especially if your marriage is so much more than the gay thing. Best friends, lovers, true partners in life. It can work!
Posted by: Zio1966 May-6
When this happened to me and I told my friends I was treated like a leper. It was devastating. And now Dina is being treated the same way. Please stop judging Dina. Whether she knew or not about her husband does not negate her pain. She was in love with him even if she may not have been before hand, as some of you seem so determined to believe. You cannot live with a man and have his child and not feel some love and attachment to him. Until you have had your entire frame of reference ripped out from under you as we have, you cannot understand. And in this case, ignorance is indeed bliss. The Straight Spouse Network, bless all the ladies and men there. They do not judge and they do not condemn.
Posted by: aspasiafranco May-4
I met my husband when I was 16 and he was 17. He was terrorized as a small child in many bad ways. I don’t know if that contributed to his decline or his orientation. He was a very sensitive soul when young. I felt tremendous compassion for him and we loved each other dearly. He was so tragically sweet and so smart. Eventually, we had four children and I became a homemaker and he became very successful in the IT industry. He truly was my prince charming in so many genuine ways. I can say that I knew him and who he wanted to be seen as. I can say that I never knew the awful things he eventually did until the very end. I have always seen sexuality as a spectrum and not two sides of a coin. The hetero and the homosexual communities both want their members to commit, “to come out”, and that is a shame for so many people. He could not accept his urges and they became twisted and dark. He lied to be accepted in both worlds as he lived a double life. He eventually crossed many borders in an attempt to deal with his own feelings of terror, victimization, and self loathing for being attracted to men as well as women. He did not intend to take away my choices or to become a bad person but he like the rest of us made his life what it was one choice at a time. We all have to take responsibility for our actions. Hurting people because we are hurting — is not acceptable. I am 44 and we divorced this year. I think he will be in prison within the next six. It is his choice to lie, to not get help, to hurt others – and himself. It is his chosen path. It was mine until I felt I could leave. I am no longer in shock, denial, fear, anger, or bargaining. Life is good and I find happiness now after many painful years of watching my sweetheart’s decline, standing with him feeling helpless and traumatized. Never give up to hopelessness. Find a new path in the desert.
Posted by: ekps1234 May-4
I discovered my husband was gay after being married for 15 years. Prior to the discovery he was a loving and caring husband. Upon my discovery he became horribly abusive in every way imaginable. I felt like my husband died and I couldn’t tell anyone. For the first year I remained silent. I wanted to tell someone, needed to say the words out loud, but felt too ashamed and embarrassed. I would call the local number for “Time & Temperature” and tell the recorded voice on the phone “My husband is gay and he left me for a man”. Sadly that was the only place I felt safe to say those words. What was I afraid of? Exactly what has been going on here and on Oprah’s message board – I was afraid of being blamed for being too stupid to see the signs, or too stupid to leave my husband, or too homophobic if I dared tell anyone how much I hurt. There was no place that was safe for me because too often people want to blame the victim. Thankfully I found the Straight Spouse Network. SSN gave me a place that I felt safe and could tell my story. The more you tell your story, the more power you have, and the less power your story has. I no longer feel like a victim, and now I am now able to help people who come to SSN find the survivor within themselves. Please, please stop criticizing us. I am afraid that people who need our help will not seek it out because they don’t want to be called stupid or homophobic. To any of the straight spouses out there who need support, please contact us, we are a safe place for you. CLW
Posted by: clwinohio May-4
I discovered my ex-husband was a cross dresser after 10 years of marriage (and believe is a gay) — I didn’t have a clue! These individuals are liars — they pretend so well that you believe. There are no signs (if they do not want you to see any). For people to say, “you should have seen signs” or”why did you stay in the relationship once you found out”, do not understand because they did not experience it. Most of us still love these men (we were “inside the box”) — we feel in love with who they pretended to be — and it leaves you in denial, it leaves you hurt and scared — scared of being alone, scared for your children, finances — numerous emotions are flying and trying to figure them out is not an easy task. You will never know why they have pretended — an unknown that will haunt you for life. It is a devastating, destructful “game” to be a part of — you lose so much of yourself. Kudos to all who have had the courage to move on — I am quite certain there are many who are “stuck”.
Posted by: CTCANC May-4
These men are cowards, sociopaths and pathological liars that make Scott Peterson look like a boyscout. They should not be confused with gay men who are leading true lives. I was married for 26 years, four children, when I found my husbands profile on gay.com. He forgot to log out on his way to a “party”. I sat all night in front of the computer in complete shock. My entire life was a lie. After I filed for divorce, I discovered the extent of his deceit. He had emptied our bank accounts and left us in serious financial trouble. Long story short. We lost our home. He died of AIDS. I have little chance of surviving this. My life is over and I never really got to live a true life. He took everything from me. Whoever wrote “Some gay men still fall in love with women…” is in serious denial. Gay men do not love women, it is as simple as that.
Posted by: veritesanspeur May-3
My friend is about to marry a man that is bisexual. Any advice? She knows about his affairs with men yet he has convinced her that it is over.
Posted by: missedclues May-3
Denial, Delusion and Self Deception are powerful tools that people use to cope with unpleasant situations. He knew, she knew, their friends knew, their families knew but no one would talk about it. I know dozens of gay men who are married and refuse to tell their wives. They all lead secret lives, many pretending to be “best friends” with their boyfriends. So sad and a waste of precious time. Come out, get it over with and live your life.
Posted by: elaygee May-3
I never suspected my strong, masculine, educated husband was gay. After nine years and three children I got the shock of my life…so, I believe her. I often got flowers, at work or at home for no reason…little did I know that he was secretly apoligising for his guilty transgressions. Everyone thought he was so romantic. It was the most hurtful, sad thing that ever happened to me. Life goes on, but nothing is ever the same…especially one’s level of trust.
Posted by: JOValerio May-3
I truly loved my wife of 35 years. So it was devestating when I learned she was having an affair with a young woman, someone half her age. I had absolutely no idea she was gay. I did not see it coming. I still wonder how this could have happened; how could she could have lied to me for so many years? The “other woman” has not felt any ill effects from her behavior. To her, it was a casual fling. For me and my child, it is a different story. It destroyed my marriage and my life. After all, how do you start over at age 60. You don’t. You just struggle to survive, one day at a time, by taking medications and seeing psychiatrists.
Posted by: perhapsinanotherlife May-3
I was saddened to hear Dina Mc Greevey words…To many people assume that she had to have some idea that her husband was bisexual…My ex is a psychiatrist and was having sex with some of his female patients and not only did I not have any idea, the Ethics Committee, which he was head of, never knew, nor did the hospital, colleagues, friends, or anyone else know.. When some people’s committment is only to themself they become completely capable of deceiving everyone else around them
Posted by: phylllll May-3
My husband is bisexual. I hated this interview. I feel for Dina, but the public cannot possibly understand the “how did you not know?” question. There are lots and lots of married couples where one spouse is straight and the other is gay, and the marriage WORKS. I wish it was more accepted and I wish there was more positive support for people like me and my husband. If your spouse has come out to you, or if you know that your spouse is gay, YOU ARE NOT ALONE, there is support. Alternatepath (a Yahoo group) is a positive support group for the women who are married to a gay/bisexual/transgender, and who want to remain married.
Posted by: factor1994 May-3
When I was engaged to my husband, I remember saying to his sister that if I walked into our bedroom and found him in bed with another woman, and he told me there was nothing going on, that I would believe him … that’s how much I trusted him. Well, right church, wrong pew. Within a couple years of marriage, my husband started his secret life of random homosexual encounters. Some of you ask, how could you not know? Because I had given over my heart, my life to this man. I stayed home to raise our two wonderful sons, to create a caring and supportive home, to be a good wife, mother, daughter and daughter-in-law. I did sense the change in the relationship, but thought if I lost weight, cooked a special meal, tried to be creative in bed, somehow he would love me as a WIFE … not a mother, or a sister, or a friend. Sixteen years later I found an email he had received confirming a meeting, and a few clicks later I was at the site of a male hooker. I confronted him and he lied, as he had lied when I found a book in his bureau on gay bars, and when I found charges on a credit card for a gay #### site. But this time I had PROOF. And you know what? I hung on for another two years, trying couples counseling and reading everything I could on the subject of why gay men marry women. You ask Dina why she hung on for three months???!!! Because you don’t want to lose the love you THOUGHT YOU HAD. My husband still does not think he is gay … he “floats on the sexual spectrum.,” though I was the only woman on that line. Meanwhile, I continue to hide his cowardly little secret from our sons and his parents while we battle through an acrimonious divorce. For you who criticize or mock Dina, there but for the grace of God … and for Dina, this from a poem by William Butler Yeats: “… For how can you compete, being honor bred, with one who, were it proved he lies, were shamed neither in his own nor in his neighbors eyes.” Stay strong, Dina.
Posted by: LAD122 May-3
My camelot had nothing to do with politics, but had more to do with a college cheerleader marrying a college fraternity boy. I had been homecoming queen in high school and raised in a home where sex before marriage was absolutely, positively not tolerated by my Roman Catholic parents. I didn’t have a lot of experience with sexual intimacy before marrying my husband, but from what I felt, he was incredibly respectful, loving, and if anything, after we were married, I felt like I was the one who had to “catch up” in the sex department. My husband was diagnosed with cancer three months after we were married, at 23 years old. We survived that, and later we were blessed with three beautiful daughters. Within months of “coming out” of the closet, my husband was begging me for a fourth child and joining the Catholic church to unite our family in one religion. So what, exactly, are wives of these wonderful husbands who are gay supposed to suspect? Was it the fresh flowers he walked in the door with every Friday afternoon? Was it the deep devotion he had towards his children by designing a secret garden for them, balet studio, building castles for their birthday parties and carriages to go with their halloween princess costumes? He worked in an extremely conservative company, complying to the point of being promoted faster than those around him. I was envied by all of our friends, and my husband was hated by all of their husbands because they just couldn’t compete. So was I suposed to suspect because of how wonderful he was? Shame on any of you who criticize Dina for being blind, and shame on those of you who think she bought into the life in order to further her own agenda. And further shame on you for critical comments relating to her parental responsibility. I have bent over backwards to keep my family in tact after my huband left me with three daughters, one, two and four years old. You do what you feel is best for your children, or at least you should.
Posted by: jkn29 May-3
I was married to a gay man who still has no clue he is gay. His behavior became so strange and unacceptable that I eventually packed up the kids and left. Years of being blamed for his sexual dysfunction, telling me what a terrible woman I was, man crush after man crush(our pastor called me once and asked, “…is he gay?”)…and such a religious man. To this day I have a hard time hearing or saying a pre-meal blessing because I still hear his words spilling out about how wonderful God is *and He is wonderful* and how blessed we are and all the while knowing there was something terribly wrong with this man. His hypocracy and public charade of ‘family man’ made me sick. I do love him as a person and continue to help him in some areas of his life where he needs it (and have not told his daughter that he is gay) but the damage he did to my self esteem took me years to get over.
Posted by: Asillem4 May-3
I’ve been with him since I was 16 years old and married him at 18 and him 21. Were married for 27 years Been divorce from him 6 years, the first 3 years of the divorce I was still protecting my 3 children and me. Now these past 3 years, I had some kind of a mental breakdown. I was sitting home blaming myself reliving and doubting every moment I had with this man. My whole life this man deceit, lies and cheated on me. I don’t have a past, because if I tried to think about something happy, then the next question in my head what was he doing? There were signs, he always had good answer. Why would I doubt this man, he worked hard we did everything together with our 3 children, friend and families. I believe these types of men they have arrogance about them, deep inside they know what they are doing. They been doing this for so many years, he was planning all the time what to do if he got caught. My ex is still in denial, right now he is dating a woman. He has some demons in him that he could not face. Still blaming that it has been my entire fault he went with men. Know one believes me, except few family and close friends. Hope you find peace, because I am still searching for my peace. SAM
Posted by: onitac May-3
I was married for 10 years when I found out that my husband was gay, we have three children, working with ministers all over the country. Traveling and he was the pianist for different preachers in revivals thinking that nothing could shatter our dreams of our family, and our love for each other, we were in love or I really believed him. Then when he went to on tour with one preacher he cme back and said he did not want do go away without his family again. I knew then that something was wrong, one thing lead to another and in one painful moment he told me he was gay. We tried to stay together for the kids but that was too much for both of us and we seperated. After year he up and moved to another state and whenin 6 months he died from aids one of the first in that state, as they where not sure how to handle the funeral. It me took down another road of having to explain everything to my kids, and doubting myself and what was wrong with me. If it had been another woman you could fight that but how do you fight against a man for your man? I tried to turn to the preachers that we knew but their response was he got what he deserved and they turned thier back as if it was my fault.. It took me 10 years to trust again and love another man who I am married to now. We don’t speak of this in my house or with my kids as they are embarrased from it all about thier dad. His parents didn’ t attend his funeral.
Posted by: taxeygirl2003 May-3
I know what Dina is going through. I was married for 25 yrs. when my ex-wife left us for another girl. She said she has known she was gay since she was 10 years old. If this is the case why would you bring two fantastic kids into this world only to rip them apart down the road and to throw 25 years of my life away to start over at 45 as a single parent? She was 45 at the time and left for a 19 year old. She is old enough to be this girl’s mother! My kids and I have gone thru hell for the last 2 years. My kids went a full year before they started to speak to her again. I had to ask them a question,( How would you feel for the REST of your life if Mom were to pass away and you had not spoke to her) I know this may sound harsh but it’s REAL, after all she is still their mother weather I or they like it or not. The town where I live and where she grew up is where we moved to when we got married. I have always been active in the community with the park committee, a member of the Active member of the Vol. Fire Dept. and also run with the Vol. Ambulance as a First Responder. After all this took place these people started telling me that they were sure she was gay but, could not understand why she married a man. I just wish someone would have spoke up before hand to let me know I have two children a son who will be 18 in July and a Daughter who is 14. My daughter has C.P. and is in a wheelchair and I am disabled with D.D.D. and can not collect S.S. because they say I’m too young and since I have done the house work around her for the last 2 years that I could continue to do this. I don’t get paid for this I do it because it’s my responsibility as a parent. Yet I am having trouble making ends meet and we are losing ground FAST!! This has REALY affected our lives in all kinds of ways. So Dina YOU ARE NOT ALONE I feel for you and your kids. This is not going to be easy for a long time. Keep doing what you’re doing and ALWAYS PUT YOU AND YOUR KIDS FIRST.
Posted by: kmfisk May-3
I too was married to a gay man and didnt know it when I got married. No one can know the pain of going through this horrible tragedy unless you have done it. He started playing around after about 10 years of marriage. When I first found out, I was totally numb. I went through it more then 10 years ago when I did not realize there was other women like me out there. You can not understand what it is like to have your whole marriage and life for so many years (20 years for me) be a lie. Your best friend, lover and person you trusted everything to decieve you and use you. It still feels like a dream I went through but it was real. I still have trust issues to this day. It took me years to get back to my “normal” self. People look and me and can not understand. Yes, it would have been easier had it been another woman. He will never apologize or admit to any wrong doing. He will never understand what he has done to his innocent children. This has shaken me to my core and taken everything I have to come back around and help my children through this mess. Remember I never asked for this, I only married the wrong person.
Posted by:syrmom47 May-2
Unless you’ve been through something like this you will never know how hurtful it feels. I took care of myself, am attractive and yet could not keep the attention of my husband of 24 years. I thought his lack of desire was offset by his love for alcohol but I was wrong. After my divorce I continued to find out painful things about the double life he had led which I knew nothing about. The worst thing is that I look crazy to friends and family, many whom I lost due to my divorce. I kept quiet to spare my two children the hurt and embarrassment they would experience if I blabbed the truth. He is still in the closet, married a younger women and currently has had two babies with her. That hurts in many ways more than his lies because he won’t fully admit to anything he has done.
Posted by:loz876 May-2
I was married to a gay man who is still in the closet – we were married for 15 years. Lots of people “knew” but smirk smirk, well, you poor thing you, they just never told me. All I got were weird smiles when I tried to confide to anyone about it. I got so much help from the straight spouse network. (www.straigtspouse.org) It was such a relief to meet with others, three full years after my divorce, and learn that I was not the only one, and we all have so many different stories and circumstances. Not only am I not the only person this ever happened to, but I am not the only person who knows her husband is gay and has been told that he’s not. I know what I know. I know the hatred and deception that husbands like this put women through when we do not do just as they tell us. This isn’t the kind of gay guy who has friendships with women who is fun and honest about himself. These gay husbands and their boyfriends are very different. They need someone to blame, and the wife is often the target of their viciousness. It is unlike anything most people can imagine. I am so grateful that Dina is telling her story, and in a way, mine too.
Posted by: mcmama2245 May-2
I have an estranged husband who has many secrets, also. He has kept the finances secret from me, going so far as putting them on his work computer and taking them with him when he travels, and having 10-15 e-mail accounts, all with secrets pass codes he won’t let me have access to, half the computer is off-limits to me with secret passwords. I can’t live with it anymore, and we are now separated and getting a divorce, but these men always have an excuse, they are self-righteous, and have a way of defending their behavior that sounds believable, at least in the short term, until all the lies begin to multiply, and there is always something outrageous! ei0ul 3:50pm
Posted by: ei03wd May-2
I just got home from school and heard people talking on the bus about this show. I didn’t join in. I am 16 and a girl. My dad is bi. He has never “come out” but the giant iinvisible elephant in our living room made a mess that my family had to pretent to not see for years – we loved him. When I finally realized the invisible elephant was actually a light shade of pink…I was okay with that. But like this Jim guy, my dad is a liar (about everything). He cannot take resposibility for anything in his life that he does wrong and it is always someone elses fault. We went without so that dad could be a player. Mom went without to cover for him. He eventually developed a drug and alcohol problem and was abusive to us and my mom and because he was prominent in the community and we were afraid of ridicule and of him losing his job we stayed silent. When we went to court finally after many years of more and more crazy behavior and I told on him – he called me a liar, too. (He’d picked me up by my hair once and shook me like a doll by it.) I don’t feel sorry for him. I have a lot of gay friends and I think I may be bi-sexual but I don’t know yet. But I want to believe that my generation can act with integrity and not drive themselves and their families crazy because they can’t accept themselves or want to get ahead without any regard for the consequences to those they create, like me. I’ve been in therapy now for a while. I told my dad I don’t want to talk to him anymore. Its not cause he’s gay or bi or littles small animals in bodily orifaces. Its cause he hurt me and my family physically and emotionally just like Dina’s husband has hurt her emotionally. I don’t know why some of you can’t appreciate that very real hurt and that its a very real problem that should be condemned. Its pretty clear to those of us that got to deal with it first hand.
Posted by:muffinandturtles May-2
I am just one more women who after 20 years of marriage and two children found out my husband was gay. I, however, found out when he was tested positive for Hepatitus B which he caught through one of his trists. I was tested and thank goodness was negative as well as for HIV. Not only did this man steal 20 years of my life, he put it in danger. Now that he is “out” he is I guess releaved because since he no longer needs the cover of a family he does nothing for the children. Unfortunately I did not have my family to rely on since I am an only child and my parents were deceased. Next best place to turn I thought was my faith and my church-yeah right- the man my husband was seeing was not only a member of our church- he was an employee. Seems there are quite a few gays there and the minister and church has chosen to look the other way. The hurt continues……
Posted by:empiii May-2
This hits home with me! I have lived through this, I’m divorced but I always thought my spouse was lying to me throughout our marraige but I never thought he was gay. He married another woman and he claims he did all the cheating with various men because he was “confused”. I hold this secret because I don’t want my kids to find out and he always asked that I didn’t tell anyone about his affairs but I wish I could SCREAM and YELL and get this off my chest, I still carry this burden and it’s been 10 yrs ago, it’s doesn’t go away, if I could confront it maybe I could put closure on it. I’m glad to see that you are talking about it and not feeling ashamed , like so many of us. Good for you Dina, you go girl!
Posted by: Brina_916 May-2
Dear Dina, I just want to let you know that I have had a similar experience with my ex-husband who “came out” after 17 years of marriage. My son and I were devastated at the time, but have since moved on with our lives after 10 years of separation and divorce from such a deceitful person. My son was 18 at the time and made a choice at the age of 20 to no longer have anything to do with his dad. He felt that his father continued to lie and hide things from him about his double life and my son could no longer tolerate his father’s behavior. Just know that there will be sunny days again as you move on with your life. I went back to graduate school and earned my Ph.D. and currently teach at a 4 year university. My life is better and after several years of personal therapy, I have learned to love my life and know that I was not responsible for the failed marriage. Marriage is a contract and when one person enters into it with deception, the contract becomes null and void. Congratulations on getting out of a bad relationship. I wish you healing and great joy at the end of this current journey. My prayers and encouragement are with you. Please let Diane and the GMA folks know that it has been very uplifting that they cover such a story as yours for all of us out here who have experienced this type of family tragedy. Sincerely, DAL
Posted by:deannlech May-2
I was married for 15 years to a closet homosexual who still insists he’s not gay, I’m just crazy. This despite the gay ####, the gay friends, the secrets, and the rendezvous that I know about. But it is so much easier for people to believe that there is something wrong with me for thinking this, rather than believe anything bad about him. Amazing the people who think you should have known. They are liars and each situation is different. The acting is so good you are gaslighted and scripted into a drama and you have no idea what is going on. I got a lot of help from the straight spouse network. I really think that there are gay men who are bisexual enough to seduce women but really hate them – and all the tolerance for homosexuals and openness about it will not stop these men from marrying women and lying and gaslighting and denigrating the wife publicly when she departs from script or opens the closet door.
Posted by: mcmama2245 May-2
Any man that would find it acceptable to have a large nude poster of a male or female in the face of a child has a bigger problem than is being addressed. Why does he feel the need to introduce a male nude to a child? If he is comfortable with this poster why would any one think he and his partner would not be comfortable presenting their nude bodies to his little girl. Wake up and call it what it is, unnatural, inappropriate, sad. Mary Bernard
Posted by: magnumopus53 May-2
“We are blamed, either for the homosexuality, or as an enabler who knew all along.” — Yes, that is a good question (the latter). Some of the reasons people blame you for knowing is that it is possible to be married to someone and to get to know them over the years. And it does raise interesting questions about people who claim they don’t know anything about their spouses, specially when it stinks. My husband went to prostitutes and I didn’t know it, my husband abused children and I didn’t know it, my husband had hundreds of affairs and I didn’t know it, my husband brought home a million dollars on a janitor salary and I didn’t know there was anything fishy, my husband is part of a profoundly corrupt political machine and I didn’t have a clue he is not an angel, my husband and I clap along to any homosexuality fad that is promoted and I didn’t know he went both ways. One does ask in such cases, what was really going on? Because, to not know someone that you spend little time with, that is human, but the person with whom you are supposed to be most intimated with — for years and years? What type and quality of a relationship was there? These are questions that people who don’t like to fool themselves (or others) do ask.
Posted by:alessandrabarros May-2
How could she not know? Every cop in the state knew.
Posted by:camro01 May-2
Unless you live in NJ, you cannot comment on what people knew or did not know. The media was all over McGreevey for what he was doing & there were REPORTS about his questionable actions in office about why he named someone who was not an American citizen and who had no experience as a terrorism expert, so you are way off base with that one. All of us people that do live in NJ did heard the rumors, so I find it especially hard for Dina to say she saw no red flags… it is a load of bull. And as far as it not being reported during the campaigns- let’s see- I know for a fact during the second one McGreevey’s camp basically told Schuster’s camp that if they reported to the media McGreevey was gay they were going to go public with Schuster accepting kickbacks and bribes from the mob. I suspect something similar happened during the first because Whitman’s camp knew too and didn’t report it to the media. Plus, you have to realize that if they had went to the media saying he was gay it could have very easily backfired on their campaigns causing them the election. What a number of people commenting from other states don’t realize that New Jersey is considered a very liberal and progressive state on many issues, so it wouldn’t have mattered to anyone that he was gay.
I’m not blaming Dina for McGreevey’s actions or am I vilifying her. I read what she wrote and I am taking issue with that. She saw no red flags but I see red flags with her description of her marriage. I’m not saying she didn’t love him, or that her anger isn’t real. I am taking issue with her using the Straight Spouse Network and being deceptive about what she knew during her marriage to McGreevey. All I can say is she knew. I don’t care that she is trying to make a buck off of her marriage to the sleazeball but tell the truth. Is that so hard to do? She takes issue with McGreevey being deceptive and telling her in cowardly installments that he was gay but yet fails to mention that she did in fact know about the rumors well before anyone else did. Her owns word “I didn’t have time to pay attention to the rumors.” Excuse me? Again I’m not saying she isn’t hurt or angry- he did cheat on her and I know she is in pain. I just cannot stand liars but the truth doesn’t sell does it?
Posted by: tammymarie36 May-7